I looked at the clock and grew increasingly impatient. I had been sitting at the doctor’s waiting room for almost an hour. I knew horrible Atlanta traffic would follow me all the way home. If I lingered a little longer, I would certainly be late for carline. After what seemed to be another hour, the door finally opened and I heard my name. After checking in with the nurse, I was escorted to the room where the doctor would see me.
Waiting again.
One year. It had been one year since my last visit. As I looked around the same room, I recalled my second yearly check up after cancer and how peaceful I felt. The words from the doctor still rang in my ears: “The chance of the cancer coming back is only 2-3%.”
And so I sat, stats in mind, waiting for the doctor with the same peace and assurance that I had one year ago.
When the door opened and I saw the doctor’s face, all impatience left me. All of a sudden, nothing else mattered.
“The CT Scan showed an area of enhancement where the cancer was removed. We will need to see the actual images, but we probably will need to re-do the scan in another six months. At this point, I cannot confirm that the cancer is not back. And we don’t want to expose you to radiation again so soon.”
Six months?
I felt silly for being impatient while waiting for one hour. I would gladly wait another hour or two. It would be no problem at all. I promise.
But waiting to know if CANCER is back or not? That kind of waiting, I don’t know that I can do.
At least not on my own.
Friday didn’t start well at all. The day after uncertainty is not any better than the day after bad news. I was sad. Discouraged. Confused.
I thought the dreadful walk with the Big C had accomplished its purpose for my life. I thought it was over. And I’m still trusting that it is, don’t get me wrong. But even the prospect of cancer is a scary thing to the strongest of believers.
Don’t judge me. If you haven’t been there, you really don’t know.
I know all the right verses. I know all the right answers. I wrote a book about keeping the faith regardless of our circumstances, and much of my journey with cancer is highlighted there.
I KNOW how I’m supposed to respond.
But when you are given bad news… or you are told you have to wait to (possibly) hear bad news, all that knowledge is worth nothing… Unless you invite God to bridge the gap… and fill the void with His supernatural peace. And that’s what He did last Friday, as I stepped into the closet below the stairs, aka our War Room.
I was going through the storm, in search of the Eye of the Hurricane – the one I wrote about on last week’s AJC column and blog post. Does God have a sense of humor or what?
There, in the closet, as I quieted my mind and poured out my heart to the Father, He rescued my soul from defeat.
He took me to my favorite verse in the Bible (I sometimes wish I had picked a different one!) and reminded me:
“Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not
get tired, they will walk and not become weary.” Isaiah 40:31
And then He whispered: “Read on...”
As I sat there, in the eye of the hurricane, Isaiah’s words encouraged me once again. The 41st chapter had been marked, highlighted, and stained with tears in past journeys. I remembered those circumstances when God promised to deliver me… and I marked it down… claimed it as Truth… and experienced it done:
“‘Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10
Yes, Soul. You’ve been there… countless times… tested and proven. Again and again.
“I will open rivers on the bare heights And springs in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water And the dry land fountains of water.” Isaiah 41:18
Yes, Lord, you have. And still, you do.
Even today.
As.I.Wait.
In God’s waiting room, there is certainly room for impatience and fear. But what I have learned is that those two joy-stealers only come IN… IF I let them.
Because I can certainly choose to stuff my anxieties with all the cookies in the house… (and believe me, I have before!)
And I can certainly choose to feed my fears with mindless thoughts and fleshly activities…
Or… I can remember His deliverance and guidance in the past… And choose to see that God’s waiting room has a purpose.
It’s supposed to be a quiet place, and yet, a place where life doesn’t stop. A place of Reflection, Prayer, Faith and Rest, but also a place where I keep doing what God has called me to do… A place where I keep flying until He helps me SOAR.
Therefore today, as much as I don’t like to, I choose to wait.
Not upon the call from the doctor…
Or from a good test result…
But I wait upon my God, allowing Him to mold me in the process, once again… trusting that, just as He did in the past, He will deliver me, strengthen me, and work everything together for my good… and His Glory .
One.More.Time.
It is well with my soul, Father.
I CAN wait upon YOU.
Because YOU designed me to SOAR. And Soar I have.
Therefore… Soar I will.
“God is a safe place to hide, ready to help when we need him. We stand fearless at the cliff-edge of doom, courageous in seastorm and earthquake, Before the rush and roar of oceans, the tremors that shift mountains. Jacob-wrestling God fights for us, God-of-Angel-Armies protects us.” Psalm 46:1-3 (The Message)
I’m joining JOINING JENNIFER DUKES LEE Community of God’s Story Tellers in #TellHisStory
I’ve not dealt with the big C, but with other life and death health issues. Standing with you in prayer during your waiting time. Praying for God’s peace in the storm.
Thank you, Frieda! I know you are a warrior!
I appreciate your transparency, your vulnerability in sharing your story. You are an inspiration to me and I am lifting you in prayer as you wait in his peace.
Love,
Judy
Thank you, my friend! I appreciate your prayers!
Yes, I have been there with my precious husband. It is hard to wait and hard to hear it has come back, but with Grace you except and move on as much as it hurts. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Diane! I know you are well acquainted with this journey. God bless you!
Thank you for sharing this. I’ve grown to love your heart from reading your columns. You are in my prayers. And would you please pray for my daughter? She is suffering with severe anxiety and depression, and is pregnant. I am afraid for her. I’m trying so hard to trust that God has a plan for good, but it is a painful time for her husband, her dad, sister, and me. She has a little girl that isn’t even a year old. We are afraid.
Thank you for praying, Susan. I am praying for your daughter right now! Blessings,
Patricia, I am praying for you and am here to help in any way. Love you dear sister in Christ.
Patricia,
My sister, you know I know all about waiting. You seemed to be writing my story about that long wait in the doctors office only to receive no definitive answer for almost a year. That’s a long time to have the Big C hovering over you. It was during that time that I found comfort from Philippians 4:6, Be not anxious about anything… Little did I know that God was taking me on a yearlong journey on grace. I wouldn’t trade it for anything despite moments of doubt and fear. God is in control. You’re going to be OK.
Oh, yes, Tracy. I know you are well familiar with this waiting process. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement. I WILL be ok 🙂
Love,
Patricia
Patricia, I am praying for you. You have been such an inspiration to so many of us. God’s waiting room isn’t an easy place to be but I know you’re feeling His loving arms now. Please continue to pray for my daughter who hasn’t had alcohol in almost 3 weeks and will be returning home after birth of her first grandchild and THEN will really be in a battle to not drink! Pray for my great grandson born 3 wks. early but so far doing fine. Thank you for all your prayers as I know you’re a warrior.
Thank you, Marge. I’m praying for your daughter right now. Blessings,
The vulnerability and being human is how I am far more than I care to admit…BUT…I admit this! The words you have written are encouraging for me as I must “wait” on a few things and wonder, fear, don’t want to wait…. Thank you for reminding me Who is in control and the Scripture that is so filled with His Power.
I lift you in prayer, Patricia, and know that He is working everything for good. His glory.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
visiting from 3-Word Wed.
Welcome, Linda!!! Hope you linger here a bit and share more encouragement with my readers. Thank you for praying! Blessings,
WHAT
Wait
Hope
And
Trust
Bless you as you wait. Hardest.Thing.Ever. xo Visiting from Kristin’s today. #11
Welcome, Susan! I visited your site as well! Beautiful!! Blessings to you.
My mom is where you are right now. We met in Atlanta a few weeks ago for a doctor to do some surgery to see if a tumor was cancer returning. We’re waiting now – to see exactly what needs to be done with a carcinoid. I’m going to send this to her! Praying God’s Shalom in your wait! Thank you for sharing God in your journey!
Thank you for sharing my story with your mom! I’m praying for her right now. Blessings to you!!
Hi Patricia,
I’m visiting today from Holley’s link-up. Waiting on health — for tests, for treatments, for improvements — is such a difficult place to be. Praying you’ll be wrapped in peace and hope as you wait!
Thank you, Valerie! Welcome to my blog! I appreciate the visit and your prayers. May God bless you in all you do!
I did face the prospect of the Big C several years back – what a relief to find out it was a false alarm! But in your words here, Patricia, I certainly recalled my fears at the time and the comfort I took in knowing God was with me.
Praying you will stay Big C free, my friend!
Blessings!
Thank you, Martha! God bless you,
Praying for you! “Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.” (Ps. 105:4) Love you.