Over the years in our marriage, I’ve watched my husband struggle with things. This shouldn’t have surprised me, but especially as a young newlywed- it did.
My guy is a good one. He is godly, discerning, full of integrity, persistently loving, and so humble he’ll be annoyed I’m complimenting him publicly. So the reality of him struggling with anything perplexed me for a long time.
I wanted to help. Well, really, I wanted to 'fix him.' Seeing him hurt made my heart hurt. @BethanyMcIlrath Click To TweetFor a while, I tried to reason with him. He’s sharp, so our logic debates ended, at best, in a stalemate.
Being a big fan of “suck-it-up-buttercup” myself, I tested the phrase out on him. Oddly enough, the result was withdrawing.
Then, determined to be more encouraging, I worked hard to add optimism to any sign of struggle in every conversation.
On the best days, I took advantage of opportunities to push Scripture. I added planned “Jesus-times” to the schedule and set up sound structure I was sure would fix everything.
One night, I remember so clearly, he finally (gently) called me out on my attempts to fix him. Having been kind in what he probably didn’t perceive as a confrontation, he fell asleep. I did not.
I stayed up confessing to Christ my errors, crying out about my inability to make things better and my lack of ability to apparently even help. Bit by bit, my praying turned to Bible reading and it struck me:
Only God changes hearts. In fact, there’s a lot only God can do. @BethanyMcIlrath Click To TweetSince then, I’ve committed to not trying to change anyone’s heart- including my husband’s.
God is faithful.
I can’t begin to pinpoint how many answered prayers have been evidenced by changes in my loved one’s lives and hearts (without my meddling.)
When I want to strategize and test and push others into what I believe is a “fix,” what I really need to do is bring them to Christ in prayer. That’s the example Christ and the apostles set for us, and it flows from loving others well.
“You have a special place in my heart. So it is only natural for me to feel the way I do.” –Philippians 1:7
This is what Paul said before and after recording his prayers for people in Philippi. He prayed because he loved them.
This Valentine’s Day, let’s remember that praying for others is a wonderful, beautiful, and effective way of loving them.@BethanyMcIlrath Click To TweetWho are you praying for today?
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So true!! I know that I had to really transition once a a few of my kids became adults. When you can see the direction that you feel they are going and you see danger signs all around!! At times I wish so much I could step in but unless they come for advice, praying is my best thing I can do!! Exactly the best way to love on many occasion.
That’s so great (that you pray for your adult kids so much!) It is so hard not to offer unsolicited advice when loved ones are headed in a direction we are concerned about.
Great Valentine-message, Bethany. I grinned, even smiled, throughout. But I also felt my toes stepped on. Why? Because I’m a recovering fixer who’s learning to stop strategizing and let God strategize. And to pray of course. I almost lost a sip of hot tea when I read “planned Jesus times.” That’s so me! Thank you!
It’s so me too (clearly) Glad to offer a smile and hopeful you’re encouraged to trust God instead of fixing (too.)
Thank you for this love story–just in time for Valentine’s Day!
Glad to share! Happy Valentine’s Day to you!
Bethany, great lesson on the difference between trying to “fix” someone and praying for them. One I need to remember over and over again. 🙂
I’m still learning it over and over again too, Debbie! Happy Valentine’s Day!
A lesson we all must learn and practice, Bethany. I think realizing that it is God who convicts and changes a heart has been one of the most valuable lessons I’m still learning to live within. Beautiful encouragement!
I’m definitely still learning this one too, Crystal! So thankful we can rely on God. Happy Valentine’s Day to you!
Bring them to Christ in prayer. That’s something we can do, anywhere, anytime! Thanks, Bethany.
Amen! Happy Valentine’s Day!
Great reminder of our own limitations and the power of prayer. laurensparks.net
Thank you, Lauren! Happy Valentine’s Day!
Bethany, I love how you share so openly here. This is very relatable! For years, I, too, tried to control my husband and fix him. It has been such a gift to learn about the value of prayer in changing my own heart, growing in faith and trust in the Lord’s power and plan. God ministers to my husband more effectively than I do on my own. 🙂
What a gift for you too! Thankful we can rely on God!! Happy Valentine’s Day!
Yes, God changes hearts! What a blessing that is. It takes the pressure off too, so we can love others freely.
It’s such a blessing to have the pressure off and trust God. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Bethany, thanks for sharing this reminder when we want to help those we love — “only God changes hearts.” I appreciate your transparency and the encouragement in this post. Blessings to you my friend!
Thank you, Joy! Blessings and happy Valentine’s day!
Such an important message, Bethany! So often I try to “fix,” yet prayer is so much more effective!
Thank you, Betsy! I tend the same way!
You are prayed for every day, forever and always.