When You Lack Self-Control {The Atlanta Journal Constitution}

Not being able to govern events, I govern myself” Michel de Montaigne

The Church School Journal is a Bible student’s magazine originally printed in 1910, which includes various commentary illustrations intended to be used by Sunday School teachers and preachers. While browsing this timeless gem, I came across a story told by Henry Ward Beecher that beautifully illustrates the power of self-control.

Beecher was an American preacher and social reformer, who lived in 19th-century New York state. He is known for his support of the abolition of slavery, his emphasis on God’s love and his highly publicized divorce case. He was the son of Lyman Beecher, a Calvinist minister who became one of the most renowned evangelists of his era.

While recalling an experience that impacted him as a young man, Beecher told of a time when his father exemplified remarkable self-control.

A man had come to their house “red with wrath,” he recalled. The man had a grievance against his father. Beecher watched as his father listened to the man with “great attention and perfect quietness,” until “he had got it all out.” His father then said in a soft and low tone, “Well, I suppose you only want what is just and right?” The man said: “Yes,” but then went on to state the case all over again.

Beecher continued: “Very gently, father said to him: ‘If you have been misinformed, I presume you would be perfectly willing to know what the truth is?’ The man agreed. Then father very quietly and gently made a statement on the other side, and when he was through, the man got up and said, ‘Forgive me, doctor, forgive me.’ Father had beaten him by his quiet, gentle way. I saw it and it gave me an insight into the power of self-control.” Beecher concluded: “It was a striking illustration of the passage, ‘He that ruleth his spirit [is better] than he that taketh a city.’”

As I read the story, I could not help but think of people who have experienced the end of several relationships because they refuse to control their tongues. As I spoke to one of them recently, I heard these disheartening words:

“This is who I am. I am too old to change. People should know that I speak my mind.”

What a trap.

People around them certainly know that they speak their mind. How can one miss it? But that does not mean they must accept it.

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is to believe that they can say anything – however unkind it may be – to their children, especially as they get older.

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is to believe that they can say anything - however unkind it may be - to their children. #Selfcontrol #MondayMotivation @AJC Click To Tweet

“I am their father/mother,” they say. “I am just being honest.” “Honor thy father and mother, the Bible says. They must honor me!” (even though I just crushed their spirit, they should add.)

The same parents who use the fifth commandment as an excuse to verbally abuse their children turn a blind eye to another instruction, given by the Apostle Paul to the Ephesian church: “Parents, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them.” (Ephesians 6:4)

If one command or instruction must be followed, so must the other. Parents who want to be honored should also be careful not to anger their children with careless “words of truth”.

If one command or instruction must be followed, so must the other. Parents who want to be honored should also be careful not to anger their children with careless 'words of truth'. #Selfcontrol #MondayMotivation #Mondaydevotional #AJC Click To Tweet

I find it especially interesting that, when the apostle Paul listed the well-known “fruit of the Spirit” (Galatians 5:22-23) in his epistle to the church in Galatia, he listed “self-control” as the last item on the list:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” Self-control is indeed the cherry on top in a life governed by love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness and gentleness. If one lacks the last, his heart cannot be filled with the others.

Self-control is indeed the cherry on top in a life governed by love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness and gentleness. If one lacks the last, his heart cannot be filled with the others. #MondayDevotional #Selfcontrol Click To Tweet

I don’t agree that anyone is too old to change harmful behaviors. That is an excuse used by those who either do not want to change or are too proud to admit when they are wrong.

May Beecher’s story remind us that God can help us find the grace to treat those we disagree with in an honoring and respectful way. Lest we lose our testimony or, worse yet, end our days in complete loneliness.

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This article was originally published in Patricia’s column for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution on Saturday, April 27, 2019.

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