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An incest victim sat before me, extolling the wonderful man her father was. She paused, and I asked, “If I brought before you a ten-year-old girl and told you that every night her daddy did the same thing to her that your father did to you, would you describe her daddy as a wonderful man?”
Tears filled her eyes. “How else can I love him?”
How do we love the unlovely and forgive the unpardonable? It is not by creating a fantasy or by deceiving ourselves into believing a lie, even a pretty lie.
Jesus didn’t look down on humankind and say, “Oh, they really mean well, I’ll die for them.”
No, He said, “You unbelieving and perverted generation, how long shall I be with you and put up with you?” (Luke 9:41 NASB). Then He healed them. Then He gave His life for them.
Jesus said, when we love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us, we show ourselves to be children of God, because He gives sunshine and rain to both the evil and the good (Matthew 5:43-46). Jesus didn’t candy-coat evil to make it easier to forgive.
Biblical love isn’t about feeling warm and close. It’s treating a person with their eternal good in mind.
Some people fear forgiveness means tolerating sinful behavior. Beginning with Genesis and God’s removal of Adam and Eve from Eden to the end of the Bible, God demonstrates forgiveness and boundary setting. We must forgive sin, but we are not to enable people to continue in sin by rescuing them from the consequences of their choices or candy-coating sin.
Paul wrote, “Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good” (Romans 12:9 NASB).
Evil here means that which has a detrimental effect, not necessarily evil in essence. The video game, credit card, or habit that harms one may not affect someone else.
The Greek word translated abhor is “apostugeo.” “Apo” usually denotes “separation, departure, cessation.” “Stuqnetos” means “to hate.”
Real love separates from or ceases involvement with that which causes harm.
Forgiving is often painful. If something hurt when it happened, it hurts when we let it go. Remember how much Jesus suffered to forgive us (Matthew 26:37- 27:50). But forgiving is also the most healing thing we can do.
But They Don’t Deserve to Be Forgiven
We don’t forgive because the person deserves it. No one deserves salvation. We forgive because God forgave us more than another human will ever owe us. Unforgiveness torments the one who holds it in her heart, and it poisons those around us (Hebrews 12:15).
Maybe a name has come to mind as you’ve read this of someone you need to forgive. Because God has forgiven you and you want to be recognized as His child, turn those who’ve wronged you over to God, the official bill collector. He knows how to deal with them. Give up having to collect the love, respect, admission of guilt, restitution or whatever you feel you need from that person.
Open your heart to receive your heavenly Father’s perfect love. Let Him wash away the pain and stain. Trust Him to take the evil that was done and use it for your eternal good (Romans 8:28, Genesis 50:20).
When my client told the truth about her father, she was finally able to really forgive him and deal with him wisely. Truth is our friend. Because God is bigger than our worst wounds.
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You touched on so many good aspects of this question. It’s so important to remember that love is doing what’s best for the other person, not feeling warm and close. And that we don’t forgive because others deserve it, but because God forgave us.
Barbara, there is much confusion on what forgiveness is. And our messy emotions don’t help! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
I’m fresh off Tim Keller’s book on forgiveness and am preparing a retreat series on the Lord’s Prayer so you’re speaking my love language here! Thank you!
Michele, I’d love to attend your retreat. I know it will be rich!
Deb, thank you SO much for this. It’s such a sensitive topic and you’ve explained this so clearly and helpfully. We can’t forgive what we haven’t acknowledged as wrong. Praise God He tells the truth about who we are and our need for a Savior – and offers us true forgiveness. May we do the same.
Bethany, I like how you summed it up, “We can’t forgive what we haven’t acknowledged as wrong.” Thank you!
Debbie, there is so much misunderstanding about this subject. But you have explained it clearly and well. We tend to think it’s somehow hypocritical to forgive when we don’t feel like it. But feelings should not be the determiner rather, as you said, doing what is best for the other person.