“If you don’t hit pause long enough to consider the direction in which you are parenting, you may wake up one day to the realization that you parented in the wrong direction.” — Andy Stanley

Am I getting parenting right?

There’s no question that every parent has wondered about the answer to this question at some point while raising their children.

You may still be holding your first baby, wondering if your approach to meeting and caring for their needs is the best.

Or perhaps you have a toddler pushing all boundaries (and your buttons), and you are unsure whether your discipline method is working.

It could be that your teenager entered that stage when the loving child you had a year ago is now closed off, shutting you out of their life.

And you wonder. “What am I doing?” or, worse yet, “What am I doing wrong?”

This insecurity invariably grabs hold of every well-meaning parent.

When my children were young, and we were trying to teach them discipline and respect, I often wondered how to be effective while preserving a healthy relationship.

Unfortunately, the fear of becoming over-lenient would sometimes translate into some “because I said so” moments, which, looking in retrospect, I am not proud of.

But I know I am not alone. Most well-meaning parents err in their quest to do it right. That happens because we often and inadvertently repeat patterns seen or experienced in our home environment. However, some of us intentionally change certain things we experienced growing up. I know I did.

Most well-meaning parents err in their quest to do it right. That happens because we often and inadvertently repeat patterns seen or experienced in our home environment. @AndyStanley@sandrawstanley #andystanley #sandrastanley…
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The story is not different for Atlanta-based author and pastor Andy Stanley, who, together with his wife Sandra, decided early on in their parenting years to establish goals and raise their kids with their future relationship with them in mind. For years, they have compiled information gathered from counseling families, learning from mentors, and raising their three children. The result is a must-read book for every parent: “Parenting: Getting It Right,” released in January by Zondervan.

The Stanleys are the parents of three adult children who, as Andy says “still enjoy being around us.”

Isn’t that our ultimate goal?

As a mother of a teenager and an adult, that is undoubtedly my biggest desire for my relationship with our daughters.

Indeed, nothing fills my heart with joy better than when I get a text from our adult daughter saying: “Mom, guess what? I gotta tell you something.”

She still wants to be around mom and dad and loves hanging out with her “little” sister. I believe that happens because, even though we have certainly made many mistakes, like the Stanleys, we prioritized preserving a healthy relationship above everything else. The result is lingering discipline taught through life lessons instead of harsh punishment and, better yet, children who still like us.

The Stanleys call the concept their “North Star” — the one thing that kept their minds and hearts anchored when parenting their children through what they call “The Four Stages of Parenting”: discipline (0-5 years old), Training (5-12), Coaching (12-18), and Friendship (18-plus years old).

In our interview, we discussed the challenges and rewards of parenting with the relationship in mind.

Among other things, it takes understanding each child’s unique personality to improve communication and changing how to approach discipline to help a child develop character rather than simply following rules.

This idea of parenting reminds me of how Jesus guided his flock while walking on earth. He was all about building and restoring relationships. He taught while bridging the gap between rules and heart. He saw each person and loved them uniquely. He disciplined to guide, not to judge. And thus, he showed the love of a Father who wants us to remain close to His heart, even when the world tries to pull us away.

He was all about building and restoring relationships. He taught while bridging the gap between rules and heart. He saw each person and loved them uniquely. He disciplined to guide, not to judge. He showed the love of a Father who…
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Are you parenting in the right direction? Will your children still want to hang out, even when they don’t have to be around? These are questions worth asking. With God’s help and sound resources, it’s never too late to change the course.

Find out more about the Stanleys’ book at andystanley.com/. For the full interview, visit God-Sized Stories with Patricia Holbrook on YouTube and via Podcast.

Patricia Holbrook is a columnist, author, podcaster and international speaker. This article was originally published in her column for The Atlanta Journal-Constitution on Saturday – March 25, 2023. Click HERE to find it on the AJC’s website.

The post Andy & Sandra Stanley – Interview & Column about their new book on Parenting appeared first on Soaring With Him Ministries.

Print a FREE copy: Devotional 09.30.14

Passage: Hebrews 12:5-13

Key verse: “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” v. 11

The little girl was about seven years old. Old enough to know better. I observed her for quite some time. She was smart and pretty. Her mom sat across from her and I watched the girl snap back at each comment her mother made.

My girls watched, fascinated. I kept waiting on the mother to get up and drag the little diva to the restroom. Instead, the daughter’s offensive tone got worse. Louder. Uglier.

I just had to get up and leave.

Ever watched a scene like that?

I’m bewildered by children’s attitudes these days.  But my bafflement is not necessarily aimed at the children. It’s directed at mom and dad.

I believe we’re raising a generation pacified by iPods, iPads and the Disney channel. Invariably, their attitudes end up matching what we watch on some of those TV shows, where parents are portrayed as either apathetic or stupid and children rule.

Is it just me or are we missing something?

It seems as if somewhere between the days of my childhood and today, much of our society lost the balance between discipline and grace. I’m afraid grace has been replaced by utter leniency. Parents seem to be afraid of losing their children’s love if they discipline them. Worse yet, many seem to think that they gain their children’s respect by acting as their buddy.

But I dare say it’s the other way around.

I believe many children’s bad attitudes are a cry for discipline. Indeed, children want to know that their parents care enough to discipline them when they make the wrong choices, or when their attitude needs correction. Children need loving discipline when needed, as much as they need grace.

In Hebrews 12: 5-13, the author talks about God’s discipline to His children and he compares it with the correction that a loving parent should provide. The word discipline in this text, often translated as “chastening”, literally means “child-training” and it’s not to be confused with punishment.

Punishment is the attitude of a judge. Chastening in this context, however, is the attitude of a godly parent.

Our heavenly Father chastens us when we stubbornly choose to rebel against Him. He allows us to bear the consequences of our bad choices, not as a Judge, but as a loving Father who longs to see His children “grow up” into the people He’s designed us to be.

He certainly expects us to do the same with the precious children He’s entrusted us with.

And then there is Grace. Wonderful, all forgiving, all restoring Grace.

There’s nothing more harmful for a child than receiving discipline without grace. That happens every time a parent spanks a child out of anger, or every time a child is disciplined unjustly. It’s important that our children understand the reason for the discipline. It’s even more important that they understand that you love them unconditionally. They need to know that they’re being disciplined, not out of anger and hatred, but out of love.

After all, isn’t the point of godly discipline training and teaching?

I love you too much to leave you as you are…

They need to know that you love them when they bring straight As in their report card, as much as you love them when they come home with a D.

Our message as a parent should never be: “I love you IF (…)”. Instead, our actions and words should tell them “I love you, IN SPITE OF (…).”

I love you in spite of your attitude… but I love you too much to let you carry on with it.

I love you in spite of your bad grade… but I love you too much to allow you not to give your very best.

I love you too much to let you partake in things that will harm you… even if it angers you…

I love you too much to allow you to dress a certain way… even if makes me an “uncool” mom…

I love you so much that I need to say No… even though all your friends’ mommas may say yes…

It’s a delicate balance, my friend. It seems to be so much easier to just let it go…

It’s hard work. And it’s heart-breaking at times.

However, if we want to raise men and women who will impact their generation for good… if we want to raise them to obey God and therefore receive His very best in life, we must teach them to obey.

After all, if they don’t learn to respect and obey their earthly parents, how will they ever learn to honor their Heavenly Father?

The post Parenting: Balancing Between Discipline and Grace appeared first on Soaring With Him Ministries.